I haven’t written for quite long. That wasn’t a nice thing to do, I know. I thought to get back on the 14th. But my article wasn’t appropriate. After all, it was Valentine’s Day! My last post, “A Way of Wanting”, reached the highest level of interaction ever since I started blogging. Hence, I will try to give some feedback to the published comments.
I usually write my articles based on the consented testimonies of some of my clients, as a starting point for reflection. But this post was strictly personal. The post was about a male friend trying to be happy, ready to commit in a serious relationship, based on friendship and trust. He believed that with complicity and all other factors (I never found which), love will flow. For that, he wanted to find the woman of his dreams, with whom he could live the desired relationship of complicity, friendship, and trust, in short, “SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT NEED ME FOR ANYTHING, BUT WHO WANTS ME FOR EVERYTHING.”
To those that considered the post as “a fantastic, realistic an in-depth analysis of a love relationship”, I am grateful for the compliment. It was the analysis of a love relationship. The love for someone able to make me feel special when he was around. But this man was inconsistent, he left me for long times without news.
And do not think he was pleased with the phone calls or SMS. I was labeled as “annoying, hypersensitive” or “as charging too much”. The fault is always ours because we are very demanding. So, when we separate because of his quest for the woman of his dreams, I accepted. His vision of what being romantic means, the pursuit of the ideal woman, was just an escape from the possibility of a commitment. That scares him above all things. Therefore, I agree with a reader’s comment when she says that “looking for the ideal woman is a mistake because there are only real women.” Another reader adds that “there are no perfect people. Life, by itself, is already a risk.”
How do I come to the conclusion that this sweet man, no doubt, is afraid to find someone again? Based on his own assertions, that sweeping love probably doesn’t exist. A man that admits looking for what does not exists, that has prevented him from being happy and blocked his ability to love in full, for a long time. And concludes his reflexion, adding that if he had a fair evaluation of me, certainly I would be the ideal woman for a lonesome man just like him, … uncomplicated, sweet, present, even when I’m distant. Someone who, instead of being angry, keeps her friendship and affection.
Why should I be mad at him? I was not fooled. I read the warning signs. There was no chance for a stable and long-term relationship there. To put some distance between us seemed the reasonable option because “first, we have to be HAPPY ourselves.”
To the reader who wished that the story had a “happy ending”, because “life puts things in the right place”, I must warn her that there won’t be a happy ending in terms of relationship. For my part, I am fully convinced that he is not a partner for a long-term relationship. As for him, he hides his fear of commitment with the incessant search for the ideal woman. What a Quest for the Holy Grail! But he’s not the only one; some people search my help believing the same. The difference is that they want to change and to believe “that is nobler to be deceived sometimes than to distrust always.” In the present case, my friend doesn’t even try. I could almost sing the chorus of a song by Ariana Grande, “Thank U, Next”.
I end with a lesson of wisdom from one more reader, who wrote in her commentary: “To be happy is to want to invest and share. Whoever does not give does not receive. Everything is an exchange. If he doesn’t want to suffer for it, if he doesn’t want to give in order not to suffer pain, he must remember that the other side will do the same. One cannot receive what didn’t give. He doesn’t make promises, but he demands what he doesn’t promise. […] He wants and he doesn’ want; when he has what he wants, he moves away not to suffer. But to love and to share is to suffer!”